Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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