He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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