dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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