One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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