i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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