The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
