We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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