Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
