Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
