I think my vagina is haunted
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
