Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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