If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
