watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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