Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
