You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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