You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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