So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
