She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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