ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
