That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
