He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
