Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
