So drunk its hurt
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
