I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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