k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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