I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
