Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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