YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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