I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
