areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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