I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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