You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
