I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
