I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
