I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
