I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
