The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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