Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize