I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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