bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
