It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
