My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
