I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
