I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
