yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
