if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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