i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
