why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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