YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
