Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
