Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
