i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
