You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I just saw a hot homeless man
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
