i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
