god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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