You just made me feel so damn special
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
as a side note pls kill me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
