If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
