she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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