...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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