And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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