I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Randomize
